I was very touched by Fr. Given Mutinta’s experience with the battering of his sister by her husband, JCTR Bulletin, No. 67.  It made me very sad. It reminded me of what happened while growing up in Kamfinsa - Copperbelt, many years ago. We were neighbours to a young couple. The husband was a mobile Police Constable who was very strict with his poor young wife to the extent of forbidding her to befriend other women in the neighbourhood!

WIFE BATTERING

I remember one particular morning, I saw her hanging her husband’s laundry with her face covered with a headscarf. I greeted her over the hedge as we usually did. The way she responded   sounded   as   though she wanted to cry and she definitely was in pain. I quickly went in the house and reported my suspicions to my mother. 

Mom went over to her, and came back later and muttering to herself and loudly she said to me, “Lucy, never marry a Policeman, the way these men beat their wives one would think they were beating a convict or something, that poor girl is disfigured, wait until Chilufya (my father) comes back from work, today I have to scold him!”. Before I could answer, Azwell, my brother who was present said, “Don’t worry Lucy, marry anyone you want, because I will kill your husband should he ever beat you!”  That time I laughed. But after reading Fr. Mutinta’s article, I was angry to say the least!

I kept asking myself why? It made me reflect on my value as a woman, as a person. Who are we as human beings? Who has given power to men to load their power and strength over women?  Surely, we all know how kind and gentle men are when they are courting a woman they have fallen in love with. How have we arrived to the stage of battering the very person that one loves?

God created us as equal children, not equal in strength, stature or intelligence.  But equal in value!  We are all God’s children, He loves us as we are. We are created in his image, He created us male and female (Genesis 1:27). I would have been interested to know if Fr. Mutinta (and certainly other priests) would have reacted in the same manner, if one of his female parishioners had reported to him that her husband had beaten her? Or maybe it would have been easier to say, “I will refer your case to the Parish Marriage Tribunal, and then forget about it!” 

I am not a female activist, but I believe that we all have a right to happiness and strongly object to the inhuman treatment that some men give to their wives.  Unfortunately, when such issues are reported to the Parish Priests (from the two cases I know) all said, “Ninkama ya mu cupo” (That is a marriage secret or domestic issue)! This is very unfair! This is a topic that should be thoroughly discussed in Small Christian Communities, that is, if it has not yet been tackled. Hopefully, the discussions will help us understand the importance of dialogue in the home and our value before God. 

Men who beat their wives simply demonstrate their inadequacy to deal with their own emotions, anger and lack of self control! They  should  realise  that as human beings they are endowed with the gift of reasoning. They should use their senses to reason before resorting to beating their spouse. 

BIASED MARRIAGE INSRTUCTIONS

I am sorry to say it is us women who are making men to behave the way they do to women in marriage.  Take the example of the months of painful training a young woman goes through before marriage at the hands of tough women (Bana Cimbusa/Alangizi), some of whom are failures in their own marriages. The poor girl is taught that “submission to her husband” is cardinal for the success of marriage, overlooking the most important reason for marriage – LOVE! If there is no love in the marriage, then there is going to be misery!  Love should be the only reason why people should marry. This is the reason why the Church allows a marriage to be nullified if one partner says, “I married out of coercion.” 

As for the groom to be, his instructions are done in a day and most of it is spent in a relaxed manner while drinking beer, words of encouragement are given to the young man, among other things, he is told not to worry  “fikalaisova, kushipa fye (Don’t worry, just persevere),  this is shipikisha (perseverance) club, but take it easy!” I am sure the young man learns a lot in a short time because of the methodology used! Thank God the Church at least sees to it that both the bride and the groom to be are taught together and at length.

One way that women can help their fellow women to curtail suffering in marriages is to insist that the young couple preparing for marriage are taught traditional marriage values together by a group of other senior married couples on issues that they have experienced themselves. Submission therefore should be practiced by both!

BEATING ISN’T THE SOLUTION

Parish Priests should find ways of helping married men and help them understand how inhuman is wife-battering. They should meet men on their own and sometimes together with their spouses.  I remember another story of a husband who was always beating his poor wife, even for no reason and afterwards sitting down to eat the meal prepared by the wife for him.  One day he decided to have his supper first and the wife was waiting, after an hour or two she turned to the husband and said politely, “tumeni tuye tulale! (Beat me so I can go to bed).” Is this love?

Brothers and fathers, the onus is on you! You should be proud to say, I never beat my wife, that is old fashion, we dialogue in our house! Young men, you who are marrying now, take this as a challenge: never beat your wife, treat her as your equal, you were both created in the image and likeness of God. (Take time to read 1 Corinthians 7:1-15).  Remember how kind and gentle you were when courting her! Your wife is your partner, companion and best friend. 

WE ARE GOD’S IMAGES

Travelling to Liverpool, sometime ago, I was on the tube and next to me was a tall elderly British man. I make it a point to greet whoever sits next to me. So I greeted him, he responded and asked where I was going as I was carrying a small case. He was kind and offered to carry my case, which he did. When we reached Euston Train Station he wished me well and left.

You can imagine my  surprise when he came to check my ticket on the train! But what touched me most was his kindness in offering to carry my case, in treating me as a lady that I am. This is what men do when they are courting their women. Why do they stop after marrying them? Husbands, let your wives experience your gentleness and your kindness!  God created us in His image, male and Female, He created us, equal in value as His beloved children that Jesus died for!  Let us remember this fact all the time to help treat each other with respect.

LEAD BY EXAMPLE

Christians should lead by example. Each time I visit my young married relations, its edifying to see them doing different chores together, changing the baby clothes, cooking and even cleaning! There is a relaxed atmosphere in the home. This is how people who love each other behave; there is no master or slave, only partners in love.

As Christians we are challenged to show our understanding of the meaning of “our equality” as God’s children to the people who are not believers. We thus challenge some of our traditions that are oppressive! God in creating us gave us a beauty (His image) to carry around and power (the humility of Jesus’ Cross) to use at all times. The Christian values we have embraced should help us live as sons and daughters of God at all times and in all situations.

Father Mutinta, thank you for sharing your pain with us.  If you have not gone back to speak to your brother-in-law a second time, go back to him and remind him what he did when he was courting your sister, this is the time to show that same love and respect! Should he beat her again, let her leave him, he is not serious!

Let us change the oppressive mentality among married couples.  Remember we were created in the image and likeness of the Triune God!   

Sr. Lucy N. Banda, C.S.J.B. Heythrop College
 London